Day one..chapter one.

So I promised some of you that I’d do this. I’m also promising you that these posts are gonna be jumbled and no where in any kind of order.

When I look back on my life..I don’t remember a time when someone want manipulative and evil. There was always someone and wanted me for thie own purposes.

Even my mom…rest her soul. She was one of the biggest con women you could meet. The mistress of the guilt trip. The lady of lies. Please don’t think for one second I hated her..because that is simply not true. I adored the woman…would do a thing for her. Even take the fall for her on several occasions…once even refusing to file forgery charges against her and doing a year behind bars total between 2 county jails. because she was my mom. And two because I hoped and prayed she would change over the years…I don’t know…maybe she did. Maybe those final years in the nursing home were her finest hours. There’s a big part of me that thinks that it was nothing but her biggest grift ever.

My brother was much the same. I don’t think he paid a single bill in his life until he was in his 50s and didn’t have a choice because everyone including family had gotten wise to his ways. He lives with me and mom off and on for years..watching me struggle to rob peter to pay Paul to make ends meet to keep us on our feed us to take care of us all.

My love life has been no different…with the exception of my children’s father…I loved you like no other…but rest in hell peg leg for being the cheating thieving bastard that you were all your life. (Ours was a complicated relationship..more on him in another post though).

I’ve had 2 men in my life that were both blessings and curses…one that was just a curse and one…well..smh..I’m still trying to figure him out.

My cowboy…the one that still very much fires this imagination of mine..the basis for any steamy fantasy I wore…up until recently..was more of a blessing than anyone’s been. He and I had a friendship and relationship unmatched by anything else in my life..and other than peg leg takes up the biggest part of me..both in time and in love. He used me too though..for what he couldn’t get from his wife…intimacy comfort and love.

The idiot is next in line…for seven years he milked my very soul dry of everything. I call him an emotional vampire because there were days when I would go to bed so drained dog everything that I wondered where I would get more the next day.

The last but not least of these is my big man. He used me as his equal in everything “game related”. While I credit him with being my rock through so much BS..he was the one that damned near broke me. I wanted to be with him so damn badly and knew I never could….saying goodbye to him was almost impossible. He fought me so hard on it. I had to make him hate me to win my freedom from him and I’ve regretted it every day since…because he truly was my best friend and confidant above anything between us…

That’s enough of that shit..I think you get the gist of it all.

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