For The Life of Me

I have had so many people over the years ask me why I don’t believe in the “Christian” God. That is a multifaceted answer.

For starters, it bothers me that the phrase used to describe a good Christian person is that they call themselves a “God fearing Christian.” Wait..what? You fear the thing that matters most in your religious life? You fear the being that you also feel is responsible for all the good in your life? That makes not one iota of sense to me. If your god is so good to you, why be scared of him. To me, that sounds like the most toxic of toxics relationships, and frankly, I’ve had enough of those to last a lifetime.

Secondly, if he’s such a merciful God why does he allow suffering? I get it disease and such need to exist…but why would he allow people to have such crippling diseases…especially children? What…I ask you what??? Is the fairness in punishing a beautiful 5 year old child by giving her leukemia? What is the fairness of putting her through that. That sweet innocent child barely knows the concept of sin…and yet she’s been slapped with a disease that could kill her…and at the very least will cause her pain and suffering. You can’t justify that to me. Ya just can’t..so don’t try.

A Christian will tell you that God doesn’t cause the evil in the world. Satan does. Ok…so…Satan caused that man to rape his 6 year old daughter over and over again. Satan tempted it into it…but!!!…Again…here we are with the suffering of a child that doesn’t even fully understand why daddy/uncle/brother is hurting her. That child will most likely go through her entire life seeking out abusive behavior because of those acts. Where is the kind God in that? Once again, we have a beautiful soul scarred by pain and your god just stands back and lets it happen. I’m not ok with that.

I am not unrealistic. At least I don’t think I am. I know there has to be pain, there has to be suffering, in this world. I know that we have to go through some suffering in our lives..it builds us, shapes us. But not a child, I’m sorry. Why can’t that innocent soul have a pain and suffering free existence and enjoy being a child…because lets face it. Adulthood smacks us all in the face like a brick when we get there. So let children be children…let them know joy and happiness and unfettered freedom. Let their biggest pain be boo boos and losing loved ones. Not having their every day be a constant struggle. Let the pain for those who deserve…and better yet, those that can learn to cope with life’s struggles as they come.

Now…that at it’s base is the cause for my distain for the “Christian” God, such as it is. Fuck my own personal issues with him. I’ll touch on those in a second…but at the core of it all…that is my issue with your precious God. And frankly, if you can’t understand that, and agree or think that it’s ok…or can find any ANY justification in the suffering of children…the door is that way (points to the left) get the hell off my blog, and the hell out of my life, because I want nothing more to do with you.

As for my own issues with God. I am one of those children that he allowed to suffer. Am I bitter about it? Not nearly as bitter as I was in my 20’s but fuck yes, I am. You don’t need to know it all, but I’ve seen my fair share of abusive behavior in my life. And it started at 5 years old. Ya know what the bitch of it is, I used to think I deserved it, because I never came forward and told anyone about it, I never asked for help…isn’t that twisted? Isn’t twisted to think that anyone…anyone on the face of this planet would think they deserve it? But men and women do. Way to go, God…you’re a champ! *Smiles broadly and gives two thumbs up*

I’m started realizing a while back, that I’m one of those children who has wound up growing up seeking out the wrong king of approval. First of all. It took me years…no..it took me DECADES to realize that I shouldn’t have to seek out someone’s approval. Then it took me until recently to realize that if I had to seek out someone’s approval…it’s not genuine. Genuine acceptance and approval comes on it’s own. It’s freely given.

Then we throw in the genuinely good souls. I’m not one…something is horribly bent and twisted within me…shut up. Don’t argue with me. I own my shit, and I’m allowed to admit my flaws…so just shut the fuck up with your damn condescending righteousness and outrage. And frankly, fuck your pity because I don’t want it. But there are people that do EVERYTHING by God’s word. They don’t drink, don’t smoke, hell some of them don’t even curse. (Insert eyeroll here) But they would give anyone, from the purest of souls to the most evil of demons, anything. Maybe it’s because they’ve suffered themselves…maybe their Gods own angels on Earth, I don’t know. All I do know is that there are people on this Earth that live to make other people better, that would die before they saw that child from earlier hurt one second more…and again. Do they get grace given to them by your God? No…the get tromped on by humanity, kicked in the teeth by the very people they help, and given incurable diseases by that same God that they worship. Sound fair to you? Cause again..if it does…the damn door is on the left..get the fuck out. You’re not welcome here.

Then there’s a third prong. That prong belongs to the downtrodden and abused that life and God kick in the teeth over and over. This group of people…this group angers me at your God almost as much as those children…because these are MY people. The poor that accused of asking for handouts…who get judged for asking for help by the very people that claim to want to help…the Christians of the world. Those that say “God helps those that helps themselves”. Fuck you. Fuck you very much. There of those that have struggled all our lives…and yeah in some cases we deserve it…(and this is gonna anger you, and trigger you). But in some cases…we do. We deserve it for not getting out of the situations that we are in…we deserve it by sitting and taking it and letting it happen. For the third time I’m gonna say this. But if you don’t like what you’re reading…get the fuck off my blog. Because you don’t have a damn clue. You really don’t, you condescending judging bastard. Take it elsewhere. Unless you’ve been there, you don’t get it.

But I digress.. while I will say I deserved, and those women still in those relationships deserve some suffering for being…well…stupid damn bitches and hos…there are those of us who have persevered and escaped. For us, I ask you…no I tell you…we have suffered more at our own hand and the hand of our abusers to last a damn life time. We don’t need the abusive B.S. of a God who wants to continue to punish and torment us by piling on shit after we get out…after we try to better our situations and ourselves. I’m sorry..that is just as toxic as the relationship as the relationship we just got out of.

So please, come at me with your God. I will shoot him down, I will stand up for myself and those others. No, those children and victims don’t complain…they just take it…but I will forever be a voice of outrage in an unjust world driven by a cruel and unkind and unfair God.

*Mic Drop*